The Unposted Letter

Was so much in pain and writing out was the only way to let it go...

I don't know why I am writing this, because I really hope that this letter never gets to you, because if it does that means I never will get a chance to get you back in my life. Many times, I felt myself unwanted, unloved and uncared. I might have misunderstood your feelings and perhaps your nature but in love we expect a little more care, a few more concern and a special likeness. Unfortunately, I didn't get to see all these as we came closer to each other.

On the contrary, you love me when you want to, you call me when you need to talk to, you take my calls when you wish to, you do everything according to your whims and the rest of the time, you just cut me off from your life. What should I think of if you don't reply my calls despite leaving you messages to call me back? What should I think of if you don't attend my calls when you are right there? What should I think of if you keep yourself away from any contact? In such a situation, it is very difficult to console myself and still believe in love.

Now I know you are not a marrying man but you have no right to spoil my life. You could have told me on my face the very day we met...you could have warned me. How would I know I would be hurt by the only man I love...Till the day I met you, I kept my heart close to me, safe from any danger of breaking it....and without even thinking twice I open it up to you only to break it into pieces.....before I could really feel the bliss of being in love, I felt my heart burn in deep pain.....before I could experience my first love, I learned the hardest lesson of going through heartaches.....am I blessed? I don't know...

But I will confess this...you have shown me what love is and what it feels like to be loved. Every time you hold me, I could feel the warmth in my heart. I could feel it when our hearts get so close they are beating as one. You are the beat of my heart, the soul in my body; you are me, because without you I am nothing. Your entry into my life breathed life into me. It gave me an excitement for each new day and I look forward with anticipation to each time I could see you. In all my life I have never really felt at so peace as when I was in your arms. I was enthralled by the gentle touch of your hands and overcome by the passion of your loving caress. You certainly had an affect on me.

You are the person I want to look at when I need to smile and you are the person I want to go to when I need a hug. Everytime when I leave your place, it is like I have left my soul at your side. No doubt you have shown me how to live and you have shown me how to be truly happy. I want you to know that every time I smile, you have put it there. You make me smile when others can't, you make me feel warm when I am cold. You have shown me so much love and so much more. I want you to know how much you mean to me. You are my whole world and I love you with all my heart. You are my happiness. Every night I think of you when I go to bed. Each night I see your face when I close my eyes.

Do you remember the conversations we had years ago? Do you remember the talks we had so many times day and night? We talked about our families...the differences we have and the similarities in us. I was never shy with you. My goal was the love of a lifetime and a lifetime of love together. That is not much to ask, is it? That is me...swinging for the fences and expecting great things. It will always sadden me that I did not get that life to share with you.

If at any time, you boldly stepped forward and stated that you wanted nothing more than a lifetime of love with me, you would have received a seemingly unending hug and a shoulder wet with my tears. While, you yourself has never said anything, your behaviour have troubled me. You are a good and trusting person but I think you are also a bit insensitive towards my feelings. I'm saddened that my love wasn't enough to do more to gain your love.

It appears our relation has dwindled down to a one way conversation via email. Although you may read them, I feel they don't really reach you. It has been very disheartening to be pushed out of your life.... I thought I accounted for more...

Now it seems I can see you only in my dreams...everything is okay but nothing seems to be right. Honey, I want to say something and I mean this more than I ever did before. You are the love of my life, the man of my dreams. Just because we part does not mean I don't love you. I'll always be loving you, wanting you and miss you all my life.

So this is a goodbye. There will always be a place in my heart that will be fondly, fondly remembered.

Love always and for ever

PS: I long to see your love and adoration in your eyes. I long to feel the comfort and peace of your loving arms. I long to feel the love and desire of your tender touch. I long to swim in the warm , gentle sea of your love, to be surrounded by it, to be enveloped in it, to draw strength from it. I long to hold you close and never let you go.